If I’m Honest ~ Rebelle Society

I’d say it was from the sex, but that ended hours before, so I’m pretty sure it’s a sauna in here.

I’m high up. The bed is one of those double mattresses on top of a box-spring rather than the platform bed I’m used to, so if I roll off, I’ll break a bone for sure. I protect myself by inching further towards him and the wall.

His naked body lay next to me, but it isn’t intertwined in mine the way I like it, which makes me immediately feel alone because a man sleeping with his back to me or without making some attempt to make contact with my skin always screams “I’m scared as fuck of intimacy” to me.

“Ding, ding,” his phone goes off on the nightstand to my right. He’s to my left. I’m parched from the sauna-like levels in the bedroom, so I lift myself off the bed and reach for the water bottle I always travel with to quench my thirst.

I look at his phone on the nightstand. It’s 2:45 am. The bedroom is tiny. It barely fits a full-size bed and a dresser. There’s a sliding glass door opposite the bed, which remains closed — something I can’t understand since it’s so obvious we need some air in here even though we’re both naked. The drapes are heavy, which blocks out most of the light.

If I position myself a certain way on the bed, I can just see the outdoor patio and a metal chair in the crack where the drapes meet. A rustling of covers breaks the silence in the room, and his body comes down on top of me, the heat between us intensifying. I realize the same way he has to turn his body on to make love to me, I have to turn my heart off to not love him.

I’m not sure why I’m here, in this bed with him. The sex isn’t that great, if I’m honest, mainly because he’s checked out most of the time. He’s like a light that flickers on and off erratically, at times bright as the sun and warming my heart, and other times dark and cold.

The emotional connection with him is inconsistent, depending on his mood, and he’s ridiculously moody– one minute acting like he adores me more than any other woman he knows, and the next minute, aloof and distant because he can’t handle emotions in general and what he may feel for me.

His attempt to engage me in another round of lovemaking is halfhearted at best, and I refuse to do all the work. Besides, it’s 3:00 am, and I don’t think either of us is willing to work overtime on making this happen, so we give each other a few lingering kisses and settle back into each other’s arms. I’m frustrated on every level.

Emotionally, physically, spiritually, I’m frustrated, unfulfilled and pissed at myself for being here at all.