SEX & INTIMACY

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When Is It OK to Have Sex With A New Partner?

Published by Elephant Journal ~ October 10, 2016

Are there really rules for when it’s okay to have sex with someone we’ve just started dating?

For men, it’s usually “as soon as she says yes.” At least that’s what my male friends like to say.

For women, the rules are different. We are taught that there are certain guidelines we must follow in the arena of sex. There’s the five-date rule, the three-date rule and the two-to-three month rule. There’s the simple, “when it feels right” rule. And then for some of us, we have a hard and fast “when I know he’s not sleeping with anybody else” rule.

I like to think I’m a rule follower by nature but when it comes to sex I definitely don’t follow anyone’s rules but my own. And for most of my life, I thought this was okay. It worked for me.

But just recently, I realized it wasn’t working for me any longer. I’ve spent months beating myself up for not waiting a little longer to sleep with the last person I dated. I convinced myself that it didn’t work out because I didn’t follow the “rules.” I’ve shamed myself into believing that he didn’t take me seriously or pursue me the way I wanted because I gave myself to him too easily.

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WHY I NEED MY LIFE TO BE MORE THAN CASUAL HOOK-UPS

Published by Elephant Journal ~ September 8, 2016

I hate to admit this out loud, but I absolutely hate dating.

I’m not any good at it. I’m going on almost three years of being single after 15+ years of being coupled and the dating scene has changed in ways I can hardly wrap my head around. Back then, there was no “swipe right” or hundreds of good-looking single men and women to choose from in the area if you just want a nice meaningless “hook up.”

My male friends who are now married feel like they really missed the boat on this one.

On the contrary, I feel like a sputtering fish out of water because this whole dating scene seems veryMillennium to me and doesn’t quite vibe with my 40ish single-mom-to-two-small-kids, relationship-oriented self.

I’ve tried to adapt to the singles scene. On paper it all looks great. I get to hook up with lots of hot guys as often as I want with no strings attached! I get to abandon my yoga pants and let down my three-day-old ponytail and get all dolled up to go out a real date and drink martinis at some uber hip bar in LA. I get to experience that butterflies-in-the stomach feeling we all remember from our years before marriage and admit we miss once we’re married.

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The Power of Sexual Energy—The Erotic things we Miss when we “Hook Up” Too  Soon

Published by Elephant Journal ~ February 22, 2016

“Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn’t sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Good sex is not just about the physical act of having it. It’s the dance that happens before, during and after.

There is something magical, intoxicating and downright sexy about the build up before going to bed with someone. If the encounter is going to be wildly passionate and truly intimate, then the dance of getting close to each other through deep, intimate conversations, suggestive flirting, and long, lingering make-out sessions that hint at what’s to come, is key.

Sometimes we give ourselves away to someone a little too quickly and prematurely. Although we are in a much more liberal and free-spirited time where “hooking up” is the norm and more people than ever don’t actually wait to jump into bed with someone, there is something really special we’re missing out on by doing this.

We miss out on the erotic build up.

We don’t get to experience the delicious anticipation of going part way, but not all the way there. We don’t get to lazily lay in bed on a Sunday morning and fantasize about what the actual experience of making love to the person might be like based on the physical intimacy we’ve already shared with them so far.

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Real Intimacy Begins Here

Published by Elephant Journal ~ February 17, 2016

Last year, I was closing out my second year post divorce and lamenting how it was actually more difficult than the first.

I think in those first few months or year after coming out a long term relationship whether you were married or not, you’re just in shock and then survival mode. So although there are lots of tears, and an inordinate amount of deep-seated pain, we kind of glide through it all as if on a cloud…because the whole thing is pretty surreal.

By the second year, that cloud tends to dissipate and propel you flat on your ass from thousands of feet in the air.

When you hit the ground, you hit it hard.

Let me tell you, it hurts.

Up until that point, I had closed myself and my heart off into a tiny little box to protect it. There were men…quite a few, in fact, that came in and ultimately left because I was not in any position to give anything of myself.

The ones I did feel something for, I fought. I fought every vulnerable feeling that came up like I was battling a terminal disease, leaving them exasperated and finally resigned that I was not going to give in and allow myself to be loved.

“We do not heal the past by dwelling there. We heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~ Marianne Williamson

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It’s This Kind of Man or None At All

Published by Elephant Journal ~ February 8, 2016

“A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know, it will attract the man she will gladly share it with.” ~ Ellen J Barrier.

There are a million amazing men in the world.

All of them with unique, wonderful and quirky qualities that are the perfect fit for another woman.

But not all of them are right for me…I have spent a long time building my own world. My own career, my own independent life. I do not need a man, but I would be lying if I said I don’t hold out hope that there is still the perfect man for me who longs to share his just as independent life.

I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know myself on a deep and profound level and have discovered what it is I truly desire.

Every woman is different. So knowing ourselves is crucial to finding that one man who can make our heart race long after we’ve spent time together and our souls smile just by being in his presence.

So, no more trying to make square pegs fit into a round hole. No more settling for what doesn’t make me feel good or seen or passionate or on fire.

It’s this kind of man or none at all….

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Why Aren’t We Having Sex Anymore

Published by Elephant Journal ~ September 25, 2015

Sexual energy is the stuff all new relationships are made of. The erotic dance we do with each other as we sway back and forth, circling each other hungrily like two lions—feasting with our eyes but not yet with our bodies.

It’s the most delicious time in every relationship.

The anticipation of when we will see each other again and be permitted to explore each other’s bodies and secret places. The build up of having to wait to merge with each other intimately, to feel the other’s lips on ours. The excitement of once again feeling skin against skin and breath upon breath. The teasing and taunting of each other during foreplay before anything else happens.

And then, somewhere along the way, this goes away.

Sexually, he wants nothing to do with you. You’re sexy, smart, successful and funny—a total catch.

But he’s not interested.

He’s handsome, great body, romantic, a good father, thoughtful and handy around the house.

It doesn’t matter. You want nothing to do with him.

Why does this happen?

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What Men Really Want In Bed

Published by Elephant Journal ~ September 18, 2015

What do men really want from a woman in bed?

“He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects the deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer—because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of achievement.” ~ Ayn Rand

A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions.

I have always thought of men as mysterious creatures. A bit animalistic. I thought for sure that most men I spoke with would tell me they look for a woman who can perform Cirque du Soleil acts in the bedroom all while wearing some vampy, barely-there lingerie along with six inch stiletto heels.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was not the case.

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Let’s Talk About Sex

Published by Huffington Post ~ August 18, 2015

Sex.

Its everywhere. All the time. On our minds. On our partners minds. On our friend’s minds.

Even the sweet little old lady checking out her groceries next to you at Trader Joes. She’s thinking about sex.

Yep… She is. Because my friend used to work in a nursing home and she said those sweet old seniors were bed hopping like nobody’s business even when their other body parts weren’t working so hot!

So we live in a sex-crazed society. And there’s nothing wrong with it.

Except there is. Because it seems to cause a lot of angst from where I’m standing. How we make ourselves feel about it. How we judge ourselves for it. How we can’t communicate what we want to our partners. How married couples compare how often they’re having sex with how often everyone else is having sex. How we attach “meaning making” to the act when sometimes sex is just sex. And most importantly, how we use it as a power tool in relationships to get what we want.

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