If I’m honest, I say “I’m fine” alot. “Fine” means, I don’t want to talk about it.
“Fine” is my go to. Fine means I’ve got this, but I don’t want to get into how hard it is doing it.
I’ve been single for close to 9 years but I’m not as pathetic as some people might think. I’ve had plenty of pseudo relationships over those years. Casual dating. Meaningful hook ups, Friends with benefits. I never wanted anything serious (well, except with the guys who didn’t want anything serious with me because you know, I want what I can’t have). I’m complicated like that.
Besides I have 2 young kids, 2 jobs and I need to sleep. Who has time?
Well, lots of people apparently. I have friends divorced for 5 seconds with kids the same age as mine and younger who were on multiple dating apps, hooking up with a different guy every week. I admire their energy and determination. I just don’t have it.
Some days I look around me and it feels like every person I know who has gone through a divorce has found someone. And not to be a bitch, (but I will for just a moment), this includes some shitty ass people who I know are complete assholes, and even those people have found love. I mean, for fuck sake.
And then there’s me.
The truth is, I’ve never made an effort to meet someone. I just don’t believe in it. I’m an organic kind of gal. I feel if something is meant to be, it happens. I don’t want to force myself to join a gym or hang out at a bar or put myself out there by uploading 5 perfectly curated pictures of myself enjoying various activities with captions like, “Where do you think I am here?” on a dating app so you can decide whether you want to swipe right on me.
But despite me choosing to be alone or at the very least choosing to do nothing about it, there are some things I don’t tell you. I may strut up and down the street with my Miss Independent attitude, but the truth is this…
I hate being a family of 3. I wanted and expected to be a nuclear family of 4.
I feel a twinge of sadness looking at other people’s family vacation pics online. I know I can take my kids away on a vacay myself but when you’re a single parent, planning and doing a family vacation is more work than it is “fun”.
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders every day when it comes to my kids. Should I push them to attend church and CCD? Am I saying the right things to them when they ask questions? Do I take my son to an endocrinologist for his growth issues? Am I saving enough money for college? Should I monitor their screen time more? Read their text messages? Worry that the divorce will cause them to seek therapy some day? (Probably)
I miss having a partner to talk to. I miss laying my head on somebody’s shoulder at the end of the day.
I feel out of place sometimes when I’m at the football field or a wrestling meet and I’m the only single mom there sitting alone amongst all the coupled up moms and dads.
I’m convinced you’re thinking, “I wonder what’s wrong with her that she couldn’t make her marriage work?”
When you do anything nice for me that takes one thing off my overflowing, never-ending plate, I want to throw my arms around you and weep because I’m so grateful.
I feel guilty that I can’t do as much for you as you’re able to do for me.
I’m tired all the time trying to keep up.
I fantasize about someone dropping a meal off on my doorstep or stopping by to fix the broken blinds or better yet having a full time house manager to deal with all of it.
I miss being married more than I’ll ever admit and I really miss romantic love.
And yet, despite all of it, what I don’t say is that I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in the world because I’ve learned that no matter how hard it’s been, I am and always will be enough.
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